I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
