Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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