we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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