I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
