he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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