I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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