I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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