I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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