I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
