Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
