I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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