Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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