my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Pants are for mortals
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
