He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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