The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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