Me. At least after what I've been through.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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