we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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