Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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