my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Less talking, more tequila
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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