Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
