He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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