Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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