Her vagina should come with caution tape.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
