I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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