did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
