Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
