I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
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