yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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