Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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