Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
