I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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