I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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