My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
