I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
