just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
