): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
