can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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