She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
