just come out here and I will go home with you...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
