from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
