So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
