he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize