He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
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How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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