I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
