I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
