I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
