i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
