watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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