Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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