when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
