chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
