I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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