Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
