Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
