she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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