Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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