'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
