I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No subtext here. People are naked.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
