Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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