I wish they made helmets for livers.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
