I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
