omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
